A
teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the
class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and
not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was
going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that
he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite
itchy.
The
teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He did it and returned to his
class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of
the room She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out.
‘I
thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said. ‘I
did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick
it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from
school.’
India and China are at the top of a United Nations list of countries ordered according to population. Well, duh! It’s clear to me that people in both countries, bless their horny hearts, have lively libidos. Could rice and hot pepper oil be aphrodisiacs? Should I ask for MSG? All I know for sure is that both cultures are absorbed with sex. Just consider some of the names in their respective languages. Don’t tell me that “Bangalore” wasn’t derived from “bang galore” during an intense out-of-body sexual experience. And how about the Indian name “Latafat?” It means elegance. I suppose it was coined from “lot of fat” by someone in Calcutta with a fat fetish.
Some Chinese names are so unabashedly sexual that they need no explanation. Consider “Dong,” and “Dong-Mei.” And what about the city “Hohhot?” It’s entirely possible that it came to be because of a dyslexic Asian with a speech impediment who tried to say “hot hoe.”
Citizens of the United States were third on the list and have some tantalizing towns of their own. Wouldn’t you love to live in Beaverton, AL? If you spoke with a southern drawl you might confuse Chickasaw, AL with “chick I saw.” What about Little Rock, AR? I think the letter “R” in Little Rock is a typo (giggle).
Pennsylvania has to be the state most absorbed with “beaver.” There’s “Beaver Falls,” “Beaver Meadows,” “Beaver” and “Beavertown.” But the village of Intercourse, PA takes the prize. What? You thought Amish babies were Cabbage Patch Kids?
Many of you are accustom to me writing my humors’, sexy spin or what ever it is I feel like talking about.Well, I would like to take a moment to express my gratitude.
Today is not only St. Patrick’s Day, it happens to be the birthday of a very dear friend. Some one who I refer to as my “Guardian Angel”. As we go through life, many people enter in and out for one reason or another. However, there are few that touch our world that goes far beyond anything earthly or material.
I wish you a wonderful day and many more birthday celebrations.
I wanted to compliment the Irish this St. Patrick’s Day with an essay about the EmeraldCity…Huh?You say I’m confusing the Land of Oz with the Emerald Isle?No, I don’t think so; I saw the “Wizard of Oz,” it’s loaded with leprechauns.You say they’re really Munchkins?But aren’t they the doughnut balls sold at Duncan Donuts?Fugeddaboudit!I confess than an Italian American MILF doesn’t know jack about Erin’s bra.What?It’s Erin Go Bragh?Well, that just proves it; however, I do know something about Lucky the Leprechaun.You know Lucky.He’s the smiling leprechaun pictured on boxes of Lucky Charms cereal.
I feel sorry for the little guy, because he’ll never get lucky with marshmallow diamonds.Yeah, I know diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but what girl gives up the poontang for a spongy confection?Don’t leprechauns go to school to learn about pots of gold?Maybe Lucky was sick that day.Lucky, if you want to score with the lady leprechauns, pots of gold are tried-and-true.Gee-whiz, Lucky, haven’t you ever seen a Goldline commercial?
Lucky, didn’t you watch the 2010 Winter Olympics?All those well-built babes were after the same prize…Purple horseshoes?No, you fatheaded fay, they wanted gold!And unless you want to add blue balls to your list of multi-colored marshmallow bits, you’ll use real pots of gold, not ones made of corn syrup and albumin. Get my drift?
Lucky is playing with fire.Imagine the danger Lucky would face from a South “Joisy” girl who broke a manicured fingernail pursuing him over the Irish moors for his pot of gold, only to get a box of “magically delicious” cereal.Lucky would be safer bilking a banshee than a Jersey gold digger.She’d stuff pink marshmallow hearts, green clovers, yellow moons and orange stars up Lucky’s “arse” until he started babbling like a prison inmate at Mountjoy.“The three of ‘em came in the showers, constable, all oiled up like, and they kicked me fuckin’ back door in.”
Lucky, food is fine, but it won’t win any hearts.How much pussy do you think the Keebler Elves get baking fudge cookies in a hollow tree?The answer, Lucky, is zip, zero, nada!Yeah, they’re packing “fudge,” all right, but each other’s.
Where can you get your own pot of gold?Gosh, I don’t know, Lucky.My pot of gold has always been my magically delicious “box.”You could be a dentist elf like Hermey on the Island of Misfit Toys.He extracts gold teeth.Hey, maybe you could pack fudge for the Keebler Elves.Just pretend your emerald green dick is a baker’s peel and you’re loading magic ovens.Having a wee willy is no excuse, Lucky; “A little elfin magic goes a long way.”
Here’s an Irish limerick for everyone who wants to get lucky.
Tuesday 3/16 Leigh Valley area until Thursday 3/17.
While I was up North traveling, I took the time to visit the Chelsea Mansion in Long Island. There will be a new gallery update of that photo shoot in the members area.
I love to cook and was aroused by a recipe for a wild mushroom tart.I was immediately sold on the dish because of the word “tart,” and because of my vision of creamy custard dripping over the top of a mushroom phallus.The image of oodles of pudding-like cream spurting from moist mushrooms was mouthwatering.
I collected all the ingredients: butter, shallots, garlic, cognac, olive oil and fresh herbs.I only needed wild mushrooms.I’ve known cooks who gather their own wild mushrooms.Why not me?I mustered up the confidence to make like floozy of the forest and went to the Internet for an online primer on distinguishing edible mushrooms from the poisonous varieties.The wealth of information I found did nothing at all to quiet my fear of needing a liver or kidney transplant should I pop the wrong pileus.How would the tabloids report the event?I can only guess: “MILF massacred by malicious mushroom” or “Fiery floozy fucked by fatal fungi.”Oh my God!The tabloids wouldn’t dare print “Oyster mushroom clobbers hairy clam.”
I succumbed to the misgivings of menacing morels and cased the custard concoction into the crappy concept chamber pot.The only wild mushrooms I have a taste for now are the polished parasols found on pulsating peckers.They’re great for stuffing “tarts” (giggle).
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
I’ve got this girlfriend who’s always lecturing me about nature and the environment. She was on a rant one afternoon about how cruel it is to remove killer whales from the wild. I blurted “You wouldn’t think so if you were a seal.” I knew I was in deep shit and tried to laugh it off with a naturist joke; “A nude man at the beach sheltered his dick from the sun with his hat. A woman snickers “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised one eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly my hat would lift itself.” She looked at me stone-faced and said “The dorsal fin of male Orca whales droop in captivity.” I asked “Are you saying that male killer whales can’t get it up because they’re melancholy?” She replied “If you’d seen the movie “Free Willy” you’d understand.” I tried another attempt at humor to defuse the conversation. “I’m a professional escort. I’ve freed more “willies” than ORCAS (Oceanic Rescue and Cetacean Action Society).” She wasn’t at all amused. She said “You should be more serious about the plight of Orcas in captivity.” Now I was exasperated. “What makes you sure Orcas aren’t living it up at Sea World?” She replied “Orcas have their own language.” I said “Oh, you talk to killer whales?” She said “They have large brains and can communicate with clicks and whistles.” Then she said with an impish smile “Orcas have enormous dicks.” I apologize to all you guys for what I said to my infuriating girlfriend next; “Paleeese! Every man I known with a big dick and a small brain communicates that he’s horny and happy with clicks and whistles. What’s different about male Orcas?” She said “Their normally erect dorsal fins wouldn’t flop over if they were happy.” I looked at her quizzically and asked “When’s the last time you got laid?” “Why is that important?” she asked. “Gawd, an erect appendage that goes flaccid usually means a man is happy and satisfied. The Orca in the news spawned 13 offspring. Take it from me, he’s happy!” She gazed pensively for awhile, then smiled and said “The largest dick on record belonged to an Orca. It was over 8 ft. long.” I was stunned. “That’s more than large, that’s gigantic!” She giggled “Yeah, I bet female Orcas are happy.” That was something we could agree on. We were like two hot and horny zoologists after that. “So, which has the bigger dick, an elephant or a giraffe?” Oh, but we didn’t stop there. After several more glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon we were comparing the dicks of pygmy mice to bumblebee bats and laughing hysterically. Girl talk is so much fun!
